I Spent 6 Years Thinking My Boyfriend Was My Biggest Critic (Spoiler: He Never Was)

Why I kept hearing attacks in everything he said... even when he was literally just loving me

Hey beautiful human,

Okay so... deep breath ... we're back after a month of radio silence and what I'm calling the biggest fucking contraction of my life, and I need to tell you what just cracked open because something that's been suffocating me for six years finally broke.

For six years, I thought Tomash was against me, and for six years I heard almost everything he said as criticism - even when he was being completely, genuinely, purely loving, and he always has been.

How I Work: Expansion & Contraction (AKA My Bipolar Energy Pattern)

Real talk: I'm a Manifestor in Human Design, which means my energy doesn't do "steady"—it does Expansion (I have energy for 17 people at once, I create like I'm possessed, zero fear, pure freaking flow) and then Contraction (I crash HARD, my energy drains, my mind gets loud as hell, everything feels heavy and impossible).

In May I was in full expansion mode, I launched our podcast "What Is Life?" and created The Fuck It Club community for delulu action-takers, it was PURE MAGIC... but then the contraction knocked and this time it hit like a freight train.

Motorbike accident, fall down slippery stairs, kidney pain, 10-hour car ride, flu, and then my mind started screaming "You're not good enough, you're doing everything wrong, you're a failure" —and instead of surrendering to it I resisted, I fought, I suffered, and it showed up everywhere, especially with Tomash.

The Filter That F***ed Everything Up

Here's what I didn't see for six years : I was hearing everything Tomash said through a filter of fear. So, he'd say something completely neutral—maybe even sweet—and my brain would translate it as "He's criticizing you, he thinks you're not good enough, he's against you."

It didn't matter what he actually said because my ego had decided he was the enemy and that's all I could hear! Every suggestion became an attack, every observation became judgment, every piece of advice became proof I was failing.

And the worst part? He wasn't doing ANY of that. I was.

The Projection I Didn't Know I Was Making

Here's what hit me on a walk a few days ago: my inner critic—the voice that tells me "you're not good enough" —I had projected that voice onto Tomash , and for six years I made him the personification of my own self-hatred.

Every time my ego told me I was failing, I heard it in his voice and I made him the villain of my story (it's always our closest people who take this role for us, isn't it?), and him? He just kept loving me anyway through every accusation, every misunderstanding, every moment I pushed him away. He stayed steady.

The Walk That Changed Everything

A few days ago we went for a walk with our dog Buchta and Tomash told me he's ready to fully commit to our podcast. Instead of celebrating I unloaded all my blocks and fears on him, and as I was speaking something clicked: "Wait... I'm projecting my inner critic onto you, I've made you the villain, but you're NOT!"

I told him "I feel like you're always criticizing me but that's just my filter, that's my ego, not you" and then.. I asked for what I actually needed: "I just need you to hold me."

And he hugged me right there on the street.

In that moment, EVERYTHING shifted.

The 72-Hour Miracle

It's been 72 hours since that walk and everything changed: not because Tomash changed, but because I changed. I planted a new seed, aka new choice.

Now, when my mind tries to filter his words as criticism, I pause and ask myself

"What if he's actually being supportive? What if he loves me? What if he means this kindly?" and suddenly I can see him differently. He's been saying the same things for six years but now I can FINALLY hear them the way he meant them.

Tomash asked me

"So your ego told you that you're bad... and you believed it?"

and yes, for years I believed my ego, I thought it was the truth , and because I believed that about myself I heard it in everything Tomash said even when he wasn't saying it at all.

But here's what I'm learning: I am not my ego —my ego is just a voice, a protective mechanism that thinks it's keeping me safe by keeping me small.

And so I had a conversation with my inner critic: "Thanks for trying to protect me, but we're doing this differently now. You're my supporter, not my abuser."

Why He Stayed (This Part Wrecks Me)

Here's something Tomash said: "For me, staying with you is the easiest thing, it's effortless, it's the default."

And that taught me what real love is—not the conditional "I love you when you're perfect" bullshit but the kind that says "I love you when you're sick, when you yell at me, when you make me the villain, always."

Tomash also said "This didn't just happen in 72 hours, it took you six years to get here" and he's totally right.

Every fight, every conversation, every time I chose to stay even when I wanted to run, it all accumulated like kids hitting a piñata where the seventh kid breaks it not because they're the strongest but because all the hits before accumulated the power.

Resistance vs. Acceptance (AKA The Whole F***ing Point)

If we distill this whole thing down... it's literally Resistance vs. Acceptance. I was resisting myself, resisting my ego, resisting Tomash, and that resistance created suffering .

But the moment I accepted my ego for what it is (just a voice, not the truth) and accepted that Tomash loves me even when I'm a mess, everything got easier because as we all know by now, acceptance is the path to peace.

And here's our pattern: no matter how hard we fight.. we always come back. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes 3 hours, but eventually one of us says "I miss you already".

Because underneath all the ego noise there's LOVE - pure, unconditional, magnetic love, and that pull is always stronger than the ego.

Come Listen

If you liked this blog, you can listen to our full Episode 10 which is a conversation where Tomash interviews me and I share the contraction period, the projections, and the 72-hour breakthrough that changed six years of misunderstanding: it's honest, it's messy, it's US.

You can find What Is Life? on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube —wherever you listen to podcasts.

Let us know: Have you ever heard criticism when there wasn't any? What would it feel like to choose acceptance instead of resistance?

Tell us, we're listening! ❤️

With all our love (and newly cleared filters),
Martina & Tomash
(and Buchta 🐾)

P.S. — This episode is brought to you by Magnetic Couples Bracelets — your reminder that no matter what filters we hear through, we always come back to love, just like magnets, always🧲